Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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