if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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