someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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