Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Randomize
