i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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