I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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