Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
