my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
as a side note pls kill me
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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