I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I will die if light touches me.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Randomize
