Michael Bay diarrhea
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
