dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
