I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
