How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
