Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
