you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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