It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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