if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
