Where is the hickey?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
