Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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