I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
