Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
