I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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