When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
