i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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