So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
