Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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