He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
