I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
