She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
