I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
