I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
