I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
