Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
