Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
