i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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