I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
