it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
