life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
