and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
