the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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