I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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