I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
