Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
