Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
