a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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