We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
