All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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