Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
