When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
