Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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