you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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