so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
