I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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